72 Questions of 72 Virgins

The Palestinian homicide/suicide bombers from the Islamic Jihad, Hamas, and Arafat's terrorist groups that blow themselves up are promised 72 virgins when they reach heaven.

Martin Bodek has 72 questions on how this whole virgin thing works. Here are the questions:

Dr. Progressive

Posted May 20, 2002
http://www.enterstageright.com/drprogressive.htm

Dear Dr. Progressive,

My name is Martin M. Bodek and my web site is http://www.martinbodek.com/. I have 72 Questions on the 72 Virgins that Muslims are rewarded with in heaven if they die in holy war. Could you please answer these questions for me?

Sincerely,
Martin M. Bodek

(P.S. These questions are rated "R" for highly suggestive language and evocative imagery)

1) What if the bomber wants girls with more experience?
2) What if one virgin is no good in bed? Does she get replaced or is he stuck with 71?
3) If he's gay, does he get male virgins?
4) What if he's celibate? What does he get?
5) What if he hasn't reached puberty yet? Does he get 72 Xboxes till he comes of age?
6) If he's bi, does he get 36 of each?
7) If he blows himself up while building the bomb, does he still get credit?
8) What do you call a relationship with 72 women, a menage-a-soixante-deux?
9) Are they like 72 wives or 1 wife and 71 concubines?
10) What if he's ugly or smells bad and the virgins don't want anything to do with him?
11) Is there viagra in paradise? Ya know, just in case?
12) Is there an age of consent?
13) When they're deflowered, do they get replaced by new virgins or are they "born again"?
14) Do they become his common-law wives eventually?
15) If he has a tryst with a 73rd virgin, do the others consider it cheating?
16) Do the virgins have a union? If so, can they strike if they're not satisfied?
17) Is there a temp agency that replaces virgins if they call in sick?
18) What if the bomber's into animals? Does he get accommodated?
19) Why 72? Is 71 too few? Is 73 too many?
20) If it was a female bomber, how do the male virgins prove their virginity?
21) What happens when paradise runs out of virgins?
22) Can a bomber make reservations on specific virgins before he blows himself up?
23) If there are no virgins available, is he put on a waiting list?
24) If he's a catholic priest, does he get 72 little boys?
25) Would you call a female bomber a bombshell?
26) Would you call a child bomber a bombino?
27) Is it not 73 out of respect for Barry Bond's home run record?
28) If the bomber previously dated one of the virgins, does it get awkward?
29) Do they have a bomb squad in paradise just in case one of the charges didn't go off?
30) Did they start using female bombers because they ran out of virgins for the guys?
31) If she's a lesbian, do they "convert" the virgins, or will straight girls suffice her?
32) Does a hermaphrodite bomber get hermaphrodite virgins?
33) If so, are there 72 available?
34) If they run out of virgins, do they get inflatable dolls till they find more?
35) If a bomber finds an infidel in paradise, can he blow him up and get 72 more virgins?
36) Could the Koran have had a typo and it actually provided just one 72 year old virgin?
37) Is Muslim hell being one of the 72 virgins?
38) Instead of 72 guys, would a female bomber settle for 1 man who does dishes and garbage?
39) Do the bombers go broke on Valentine's Day?
40) If he's monogamous, does he pick one of the 72 or does he get a supermodel?
41) What if he doesn't like either gender? Does he just klutz around in paradise?
42) Eternity is long, and eventually he'll grow bored of his 72 women. What happens then?
43) How does he pick the 72 to begin with? Lottery? Beauty pageant? Police lineup?
44) Is he allowed to covet his neighbor's virgins?
45) Do the virgins have agents and/or contracts?
46) If so, can a virgin request to be traded or put on waivers if she's unhappy?
47) What should he say if one of the virgins asks "Does this Burka make me look fat?"
48) If he gives the wrong answer, is he uh, screwed?
49) How is anyone expected to handle a catfight amongst 72 women?
50) Did the 9/11 hijackers who didn't know they were going to die get 72 virgins too?
51) Are scouts employed to find virgin talent?
52) Do the virgins ever retire, or do they remain virgins forever?
53) If they retire, what kind of pension plan do they get?
54) Wouldn't it be interesting if they're virgins because they're ugly?
55) So is it 72 Muslim girls or like 1 virgin from every culture?
56) Wouldn't it be sweet if Lorena Bobbit got hired as one of the virgins?
57) What does Gloria Steinem have to say about all this?
58) When he gets home, does he have to say "How was your day?" to all 72 virgins?
59) Do they have counseling for sexual addiction in paradise?
60) If the virgins start hogging the remote, is he in hell?
61) They must take up an entire theater when they go to the movies, huh?
62) Are there restaurants in paradise that can accommodate a reservation for 73?
63) If a virgin suffers from multiple personalities, is she considered two virgins?
64) Does he get all the virgins at once, or do they have an installment plan?
65) Is the bomber entitled to subsitutes, exchanges, or refunds?
66) What if all the king's horses and all the king's men can't put the bomber together again?
67) Is "not tonight, dear, I have a headache" a valid excuse in paradise?
68) Do the virgins come with a warranty?
69) If so, does paradise replace defective parts and provide on-site service?
70) What do you call a lifetime warranty if you're dead?
71) Do siamese twin bombers get 144 virgins?
72) Who gets to clean up all those nasty sheets?

Buset daah, gue ngaqaq bacanya, lucu banget gila (Btw, gue highlight ntu yang menurut gue lucu, trus yang paling lucu menurut gue warnanya beda sendiri).

Eit eit, yang ngerasa pertanyaan ini disgusting jangan ngomel dulu, kan udah gue peringatin di atas sebelom baca. Nah, sekarang yang pengen gue bahas ini ngerendahin/ngejelek-jelekin Islam apa kagak sih (asik dah mentang-mentang bulan puasa ngomongin agama)? Oke, menurut gue ini cukup ngerendahin Islam, soalnya ini dia ngejek tentang janji Allah tentang hadiah bagi orang yang berjihad, yaitu berupa 72 perawan. Tapi di sisi lain ini lucu banget gila gokil ah yang bikin sampe kepikiran gitu loh. Makanya gue pengen bahas tentang perihal ini..

Okay, it might be boring, but let's discuss about our religion, apalagi kan sekarang bulan ramadan, jadi momennya tepat tuh. 72 perawan..

Yap 72 perawan.. "Why 72? Is 71 too few? Is 73 too many?" The answer is I don't know, yeah, nobody does, except Him. Tapi coba kaji dari sisi lain deh, gue udah ngegugel dan ternyata bahasa arabnya perawan aka bidadari ini adalah hur/houri. Dalam bahasa Syria hur itu bisa diartikan sebagai white raisins alias kismis putih. Yah gue ga tau juga mana yang bener sih, tapi di hadits-hadits banyak disebutin tentang houri/perawan/bidadari ini secara eksplisit, gua gak tega nyantumin hadits-nya (sebenernya lebih ke males sih -..-) soalnya agak vulgar-vulgar gitu. Anyway, hadits kan gak semuanya reliable, semuanya masih tergantung Qur'an, nah di Qur'an ini cuma ada 4 ayat apa berapa gitu yang menjelaskan tentang hur ini (gue belom baca sih, males nyarinya).

Yaah, Qur'an itu emang tentang interpretasi, artinya bisa bermacam-macam tergantung siapa yang nginterpretasiin. Nah, dalam konteks ini yang nginterpretasiin adalah: Palestinian homicide/suicide bombers from the Islamic Jihad, Hamas, and Arafat's terrorist groups; dan teroris lainnya yang ngakunya sih melakukan jihad trus mati syahid, yah gak tau juga deh. Tapi menurut gue sih mereka menginterpretasikannya salah, secara mereka ngebunuh innocent people yang gak ngapa-ngapain mereka (oke, ini berhubungan dengan politik dan gua gak ngerti sama sekali tentang politik sih jadi diskip sajalah hohoho). Jadi, mereka ngelakuin bom bunuh diri demi mendapatkan 72 perawan/bidadari di surga kelak yang belom tentu bakalan mereka dapetin, syukur-syukur kalo mereka masuk surga trus dapetnya ternyata cuma 72 white raisins (yang di Arab emang jarang makanya sebenernya lumayan juga sih), tapi kan kalo ternyata masuk ke neraka, ckckck.

Back to the topic, jadi kesimpulannya pertanyaan di atas itu pertama: lucu, kedua: lucu, ketiga: bikin ngaqaq. Well, yeah it is offensive, indeed. Tapi kan mereka yang ngerasain penderitaannya ngadepin teroris berkedok jihad, jadi sekali-sekali dilucu-lucuin bisa lah. Kita sebagai orang Islam nerima ini dengan positif sajalah. (Anyway, gue belom nyebutin nama website gue dapetin ntu pertanyaan, dan nama website-nya adalah Facts of Israel huohoho, silahkan anda pikirkan sendiri itu website apaan)